Feeling Lost

Feeling lost isn’t a feeling I’m very used to. A lot of the time I have no idea where my life is headed or where I am, and that never bothered me, until now.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I have two homes, college home, where I spend most of my time, and home home, where my family are. I seem to be craving whichever one I’m not at, and when I get there, I realise it wasn’t what I was looking for. It’s almost like I have two homes, but not really a home at all. It’s an awful feeling not knowing where to turn.

Just this week I bumped into an old school friend who informed me she was moving halfway across the world, to London in ten days. I was absolutely stoked for her, but made me question myself. Am I doing what I really want to do? Is uni for me? Where will it take me? Will I get a career? Or even a job? Should I be off chasing a different dream?

This year, also having a leadership role has had a significant impact on my friendships. I had enough trouble trying to balance my friends from home and my uni friends that I live with, but now I’m even struggling to see my uni friends.

I have no idea where my life is headed, and it frightens me, because I don’t think it’s heading in the direction I want it to. I am so lost, and I don’t know what to do about it, I think i’m too scared to do anything about it.

Perspective

Over the last two weeks or so, I’ve been worrying about my relationship with this guy, this bitchy girl that I live with and my uni work. Yet all of that seems like tiny insignificant problems.

One of my best friends is an absolute star athlete, he’s just amazing at any sport he tries (annoying, right?), and also a fantastic person. Today while he was playing football, he was injured, badly. It was a spinal injury, they flew him to the city and put him in an induced coma. So now we are all just sitting around waiting to hear what’s happening, i’ve still got around another two hours before we all find out the severity of the injury.

But everything that I have been worrying about over the last couple of weeks really doesn’t matter anymore. I just want him to be ok, I don’t want him to lose his ability to walk, to play sport, I don’t want him to lose his bright, positive outlook on life.

Why I Hate Periods

Okay, so apart from the cramps, the mood swings, the headaches, the uncomfortableness and the constant fear of leaking, there’s one more I have to add to the list.

So after many nights of getting with the same guy, coming home together and fooling around, we’ve never actually had sex, and for me it’s quite a big step considering I’m still a virgin (Ooops, haven’t I mentioned that before?). So last night was pretty much the perfect time for it, I had previously had a few drinks earlier that night, but had pretty much sobered up, but not completely that I had lost my drunk confidence, we was a bit the same.

We have been getting together long enough, and not that i’m fussy with who I want to lose it to, but I have previously turned down many opportunities, and this isn’t one that I wanted to, he was also celebrating his 21st birthday. Seriously a perfect night. But no, my period had to go and cock block me.

Ugh! I’ve never been one to complain about my period, but I HATE MY PERIOD

The morning after

Everyone has had that night, where you get too drunk and question everything the next morning, this happens way to regularly to me.

Thursday night is one of our big uni nights, and considering I hadn’t been properly college drunk since i’ve been back, I decided to make it a big one. A little too big.

The next morning I woke up in someone else’s bed (the guy that I’ve previously mentioned), and a missing memory from the night before. I remember waiting outside the bar, and then walking home, bawling my eyes out on this guys couch and then fooling around with him in his bed. That’s it.

Luckily, this guy is so lovely, and when I apologised to him profusely, he just reassured me it was ok, which i’m sure it wasn’t. I’m pretty sure the night would have been like me being all needy for him, and not leaving his side all night, and then he had to look after me, and really we aren’t that close enough to be doing that sort of crap for each other.

It gets worse. Because we had already hooked up a few times, I thought that if it happened again, we would have to keep it on the down low. So the next day one of my friends messages me and asks how my night was, I inform her I could hardly remember anything. She replies with, ‘I didn’t know how you’d feel about the photo on facebook.’ Wait, what?! So i go on facebook to see 20+ notifications (never a good sign after a night out), and what do I see, way too many pictures of me and this guy kissing on the dancefloor. Great.

If there was people that didn’t see it happen, they would definitely be informed of it now.

So now, I feel extremely embarrassed because I can’t remember what I actually did that night ( and I don’t want to) and I have probably annoyed the absolute crap out of this guy, limiting any chance I ever had with him.

Ahhhh the joys of getting too drunk

Nice boys V Bad boys

Like many other girls, I’d like to think that I go for nice boys, and I really want to end up with a nice boy, but there’s just something so enticing about the bad boys, that I just keep going back to. I hate to admit that Taylor Swift was right when she said ‘I knew you were trouble when you walked in’ (gag at my awful quote), but the amount of times this has applied to my life is really just embarrassing.

There’s been plenty of times where a nice boy has been after me, while i’m too busy chasing a bad boy. And why is this? I guess most of us like the chase, but maybe sometimes the nice boys are just too nice. As awful as that sounds, I don’t want someone to give me the world and grovel at my feet, (even though that’s what I do with the bad boys), I want excitement and thrill. I don’t want just nice. I want nice when i’m older and ready to settle down (this sounds absolutely self centered, apologies). For myself, I like to see the good in everyone, if someone treats me like shit, I keep going back to them, forgiving them, because all people are good deep down, aren’t they?

But don’t get me wrong, I don’t always go for the douchey guys, there’s been plenty of times I’ve been after the nice guy, like right now.

I have mentioned him in a previous post, and he is the epitome of a nice guy, and not the nice guy that you get bored of, he’s pretty much everything I’d want in a person. I thought the first time was a mistake, if that’s the case, it’s the best ‘mistake’ I’ve ever mad, and can’t wait to keep making that ‘mistake’.

The only thing is, what have I done to deserve this good? How long will this fairytale last?

Back to college, rebounds & mistakes

One thing my residence at Uni does well is the student leadership team. Because we’re just students ourselves, the other kids tend to respect us, and everything runs smoothly because as well as we’re their leaders, we’re also their friends. So what would happen if their was tension in the leadership team?

Now, there’s this one guy that everyone loves on campus, who is a leader (an RA like myself), he’s just a genuinely great guy, like he’s the kind of guy you want your kids to grow up to be. Anyway, for most of last year he was seeing this girl, who was also lovely, or that’s how it seemed. Long story short, they were like exclusive, but then she started having sex with all of these other guys.

So the nicest guy in the world (probably) gets upset every now and then, although he’s pretty good at hiding it. However, he wasn’t so good at it on Sunday, so who was there to comfort him, me.

It seemed fine at the time, just comforting my drunk upset friend, it happens. It was fine, until all over a sudden we had attached our lips to each others, and then clothes started coming off and things could have gone too far.

I woke up the next morning hating myself, knowing that the leadership team could be a little awkward considering I couldn’t even look him in the eye, and it was ultimately a drunken mistake.

However, yet again last night somehow we ended up in the same bed, and a very similar thing happened (except less drunk and clumsy). Of course we didn’t let things get too far, and although I had been in that situation a few times before, never had I ever had someone look so deeply into my eyes or keep asking if I was alright.

The thing is, when he looks at me, is he wishing it was her, am I just the rebound? And the hard part is keeping this a secret from the rest of the leadership team, and of course the rest of campus